Where oh where has the time gone? Seriously. Kellan will be 2 months old in two days. I have no idea where the last two months went. Make that the last year. I’m looking back on Christmas photos from last year with Leyton and it literally feels like last week. So much has changed in what seems like a short time. And it also feels like it was just January and we got word we would be headed off island! Now, we’re 3 weeks from the big move, and as excited as I am, EAGER is the proper word for it, I also feel like time is slipping away that I just wish would slow down. We have so much to do yet — move related, and also leisurely related!

The move is so incredibly bittersweet. Mostly sweet.. but the bitter part has started to hit me. I have found myself on the verge of tears a few times. Well, not tears, but a slight panic-y feeling, thinking about how drastically our life is going to change once again. Change is a good thing, but it’s also a little bit scary too. It’s unnverving tipping the entire routine when you get to a comfort level, and that’s how I think we’ve gotten here. In our house, in the community, with the climate, etc! I know that we will always have the memories, and thousands of pictures I have taken, but I also feel the sentimental weight in my heart as well. North Carolina brings fond memories for us, we loved the east coast, but I also remember what we didn’t have there… and that is the joy of being parents. Yes, we will make new memories there, but Hawaii will forever be the special place we really, truly started our family. I will also miss the awesome people we have met here. You all know who you are.. you have made these last 3 years so special for us, and you’ve stepped in to fill that gap of missing our family back home. Moving so often, you’d think it would get easier making friends, seeing them everyday, and then just leaving. But, it doesn’t. Goodbye’s are maybe even tougher as a military family because of what they really mean… usually long periods of separation — and long distances! But as we all like to say, it’s not goodbye, it’s see ya later! And I’m confident I will see all of you later at some point or another!! =)

Moving is also very stressful. It’s not just a “pack your stuff into boxes, and hit the road” deal when you have kids. Or when it’s a military move. There’s a whole process that Logan has to go through to get funding for us to move, to get the movers to come get our stuff, to give notice to housing and them approve a move-out date (Not like the civillian world where you just “give notice”… you have to have a signed form from the command or orders stating why you are moving out, and a new addresses established so they can verify you aren’t just choosing to take your family and live in a car somewhere), and it all has to fall in a certain order, can only be done within a certain time frame of the actual move, all of the offices are only open during business hours (which is usually when Logan is at work and cant get to the offices)… yada, yada, yada. Then, you have the whole preparing the house for move-out. We painted, so we will have to paint everything back, have a pre-inspection, clean, fix anything that needs repairs, shampoo carpets, get someone in to do a pet treatment since we had a dog.. then the movers come and over the span of two days they box EVERYTHING you want shipped for you, and leave you with basically only a few suitcases of your belongings. The car will have to be prepared and shipped, we need to wait for the military to book our tickets back to mainland for us, and since I will not be flying into NC, we will have to go through a process to get them changed to Wisconsin instead, once funding is approved (and this is also preventing us from being able to book our christmas tickets to tahoe, because the trips mesh together).. and then, I will get the fun of traveling with the two little ones because Logan’s returning here after our trip to Tahoe to deal with even more checking out chaos for a few weeks while we go back to Wisconsin to visit. Logan’s date he can leave keeps getting pushed back too, which stinks because we already planned the boys’ and I’s leave dates based on an earlier date, so now we will be separated even longer. It may not seem like a big deal to spend 3 weeks apart instead of two, but with Kellan being so little, that’s kind of a HUGE time span. And we’ve spent enough time apart over the last 5 years as it is… every little bit matters.

With all of that being said, I KNOW we will be just fine. I think it might get a little chaotic around a week before we leave, but it will all fall into place, and once we’re on that plane, it will be the LAST time we have to make that flight with little ones! That alone is getting me through this entire process! And I know I’m going to HATE the cold once I’m in it, because we have been so spoiled here with the weather, but I am really excited too for Leyton to play in snow, to enjoy a WHITE Christmas, to curl up in front of my parents’ fireplace with my kindle or my crochet supplies (does that make me sound old? ha!), and to be around family and friends! And not to mention Logan is taking 30-45 days leave, and then once we get to NC and he checks in, he’ll get another 10 days of “house hunting” leave! It will be SOOO nice! I’ve been slowly buying winter clothes for the boys and for us these past few weeks; believe it or not, YES, they do sell winter clothes here, and this weekend especially was a good time to score some deals. Leyton and Kellan are pretty much SET! And, I have all kinds of fun crochet hat ideas for them.

Back to the boys.. things are going really well. Kellan went through a bit of a fussy stage at about 3 weeks, and there were a few days there that were tough (or maybe it’s just because ALL of our visitors left and Logan went back to work pretty much the same day, so I was adjusting) but ever since we changed bottles, he’s been a totally different kid. He is just SO content, all the time. He smiles all day long, sleeps at night (One time in two months he has woke up in the middle of the night and decided he didn’t want to go back to sleep after nursing. Once!) He loves ceiling fans. Funny, I know. He will look up at them and get this HUGE grin on his face everytime he sees one. He’s been sleeping about 6 hours at a time, eating, then back to sleep in the evenings for about a month now, but the last two nights he’s been sleeping right through the feedings. I am pretty sure he’s growing. He woke up today and just looked so long and thin, his cheeks are even smaller! He gets cuter everyday, with his long eyelashes, dark, perfect complexion (seriously, someone please tell me how a newborn who has spent ZERO minutes in direct sunlight has a better tan than Logan or I!?!) and dark blue eyes! I’m just smitten with my boys!

Leyton continues to be.. Leyton. haha, there’s really no other way to say it. He’s wild, sweet, caring, naughty, silly, moody… all wrapped into one curly-haired, perfect package. He’s a toddler, and they are certainly challenging, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. He makes us smile constantly, running around singing “Mickey Mouse Hubhouse”, his ABC’s, throwing out new sayings and words daily… he’s a ton of fun. The other night we were sitting in the car trying to decide if we were going to go eat then, or wait until we ran our errands and go home and eat. Leyton, who had been sitting there in the backseat not saying a word, interrupted us quite demandingly, “I’M HUNGRY GUYS!!!” and we just looked at each other, put the car in park, and got the poor boy some food! Decision made! It’s nice getting to the point where he can express himself vocally. We have developed the “ear” for toddler language and there are very few things he says that we don’t understand. For example, when he says he needs a “Bacon” we know he’s asking for a diaper/underwear (don’t ask, we have no idea why he calls it that. He will repeat anything else you say with almost perfect clarity, but when we say diaper, he insists it be called a bacon). When he says he wants beans, he wants noodles. Tewwatopter=helicopter, durklecycle=motorcycle. Yep, that’s our boy!

Well, now that I’ve eaten up a nice chunk of time enjoying a cup of joe and rambling, I should get back to my dreaded to-do list. Have a great week everyone, and enjoy the Christmas spirit! I know we are! Holiday movies, music, decor, flavored coffee.. the whole nine!

Anyway… in the spirit of the holidays and the fact that I tend to overcompensate for not being near family or in a Holiday-like climate, I want to share some things I’m thankful for. Just because I’m saying it on here, though, doesn’t mean I don’t think of these things on a constant basis. In fact, I’ve created a “thankful” line, where each night Logan and iI sit down and write down what we are thankful for on colorful leaves, and then hang them on a string. How’s that for practical, inspirational, and thought-provoking holiday decor!

Just a few of the things I’m thankful for this morning:

My boys, waking up with smiles and in great spirits. This is one happy house today!

My husband and not being afraid to do things that most men don’t do just for the fact that they aren’t “typically manly”. Like baking bread with me last night. And doing my “I’m thankful for” craft project. Oh and helping me with the babies in the middle of the night, even when he has to get up bright and early the next morning to go to work. I know sometimes the “thank you’s” get lost amongst the babies crying, preparing sippy’s, dishes, laundry, diaper changes… etc, but, THANK YOU, Logan!

Rest! Kellan only woke up once between 9 and 7 to eat briefly. Logan and I both woke up before his alarm went off this morning and kind of looked around like, “Wow… this is nice! Where are we?” I don’t even NEED coffee this morning, I feel like I could run a marathon!

Kellan’s constant happiness lately. We changed his bottles after some research, are sticking with almost all cloth diapers, and with that routine, he is one content baby. On that note…

Cloth diapers… Not only are they saving us a ton of money with both boys, but they have cured/kept Kellan’s little bum free of diaper rash! I have 8 of the preemie/newborn ones, and when I have to put a disposable on him for a few hours while the others are in the wash, his poor little butt gets red and he lets us know the SECOND he goes potty. Then, as soon as I put a cloth on, they’re all better.  We only use about 1 or 2 disposables in a day, and haven’t had to buy any new packages of diapers yet! Yaay!

Cookie dough coffee… it goes against all the laws of eating dessert for breakfast because it literally tastes like the real deal, and gives me a boost of energy on mornings where I’m in zombie mode and need toothpicks to keep my eyelids open!

Nursing. There’s so many reasons to love nursing. THe bond, and the cuddle time I “HAVE” to take with Kellan each day, no excuses. And I love each and every one of those cuddle sessions, just watching him and the way his little body curls into mine every time. The fact that it keeps Kellan healthy. Our whole house went through a cold, Logan actually got it quite bad, but Kellan just got a little nose congestion and it was gone almost as soon as it hit. We flew with Leyton while I was nursing a handful of times, and he stayed healthy! Saving money and the convenience. If we forget a bottle when we leave the house, no biggy. All the goods are right with us, haha. Although I’d say my appetite because of nursing might not be saving us money. But have you seen the price of formula? Yowzas! And how about the fact that the formula companies keep recalling them, after millions of people have used them for months or years.. Lastly, and this is a selfish reason… I love nursing because in conjunction with my workout routine, I am getting SO close to getting back into my Silvers! They are the smallest pair of jeans I own, and my FAVORITE. Also, the most expensive. They are my “goal”, not necessarily a number on the scale. I can literally burn hundreds of calories while watching TV. SCORE!

My family. I am so blessed to have a family who gives unconditionally, never asking for anything in return other than to just be a part of our lives. For them making sure they are a part of our lives, even from afar, establishing and keeping a relationship with the boys, visiting us… just making us feel cared about. You know,it’s funny, as a teenager I remember my parents telling me, “You’ll understand someday when you have kids of your own.” Never in a million years could I have understood the truth in those words. All of the times I disagreed with them, avoided them, chose my friends over them, I respect them for all of the moments I was angry about as a “kid”. I totally get it now. It scares the crap out of me thinking of my boys as teenagers. It saddens me to think of a time when we won’t be the most important part of their lives, and they will choose friends (or girls) over spending time with their “lame-o” parents. But I will never, ever stop caring about them, or stop showing I care. Even when they are grown and married, with kids of their own. I will make an effort to be a part of their lives, to reach out to them and just make it known that even if they don’t want our help, we’re there. Some people don’t have that. I’m just so thankful that I do. And that my boys (and future babies) will have such a strong foundation & belief in family, because of it.

Friends. The ones we have here, the ones scattered across the U.S. that we’ve met in the military, and the ones we’ve known since babies, back home. The fact that days, weeks, months can pass because we are all so busy as “grown ups” now, but all it takes is one text, phone call, e-mail, etc, and it’s like no time has passed at all. We have some pretty awesome friends, and I never forget you all, no matter how many times we move or how much changes in our lives. We love you all!

Hawaii. I know I’ve spent a lot of time talking about how I can’t wait to get closer to family and move, but truth is, Hawaii is an amazing place with some really awesome people who have been so incredibly welcoming to us throughout our time here, and we’ve experienced the two greatest events of our lives here. It will always be special to us. And we are very, very thankful for our time here. Most people dream of coming here, with no opportunity or reason to ever come. We, on the other hand, have had the opportunity to here on the government’s dime, and if this was the place I called “home”, where my family and friends I miss so dearly were, I would consider myself truly blessed to be from such an amazing place. On our hike this weekend to a coast only reachable on foot or bike, I was struck by an even bigger realization of just how beautiful and exotic it is here. And the boys… oh the boys never get bored with our outdoor activities here. We will miss it here. I know we will. I guess I just have moments where I miss being close enough to our friends and family to see them more often, or be around for big events like weddings and births, to have help with the boys, or just for the boys to have relationships with everyone, that I developed a resentment for this place. No more. We have just 2 months left here, and we are going to make the most of those 2 months. We have so much to check off of our Hawaii Bucket List, and also more visitors coming, so it will be a very busy and fun 2 months.

Well, that’s all I have for today. Hopefully everyone is having a great Monday!

Fast forward to adulthood. Mommy of two, one being a newborn. You don’t even realize your birthday is coming up until you get the first facebook message wishing you a happy birthday.. You wake up sleep-deprived (to no flowers because your husband is downright exhausted plus worn thin from work, and most likely has no idea the date on the calendar) just like any other day, your husband acts like he’s forgotten your birthday and heads off to work, then comes back minutes later with a tray of breakfast that your toddler, who is also awake now, digs into (at least I had the coffee to myself because it was too hot for him…). The babies have no idea it’s your birthday and choose to have particular naughty/fussy days, for example dumping an entire bottle of freshly pumped breast milk all over your nice, microfiber rocking chair, spitting up in your hair, and dropping your deodorant into the toilet. Birthdays as a mommy are just normal, busy mommy days. No special treatment, no “privileges”, just an ordinary day.

And you know what.. I wouldn’t trade this for the world. I wouldn’t trade the fussy moments, the plans we have to cancel last-minute because a “crisis” came up at home, the dirty little hands wrapped around my neck, staying home watching movies instead of going partying, fingerprints on every surface of my house that used to be clean and nice, the candy wrappers laying on the table not from the kids but my HUSBAND.. Nope, none of it. It’s moments like these, along with the toothless smiles, the belly laughs, the silly dancing, & cuddles, that make every single day of my life special. Not just on my birthday.

My life isn’t perfect. I am not as strong or chronically positive as I may seem. Behind my smile, sometimes there are thousands of painful or stressful tears I will never let you see. But I certainly do my best to make the best of every situation, and to find the silver lining. I cherish every blessing I have been given in my life, and will never forget these moments, good, bad, stressful, happy… These are the best days of my life. Happy birthday to me.. I have the best “presents” a woman could ask for! My boys, my amazing husband, and all of my wonderful, caring family & friends. Thank you!

So to kind of give you a brief breakdown on Kellan’s Birth Story… On September 29th, I woke up having mild contractions, nothing major or regular, but I do remember thinking it was a little odd that I woke up having them because up to that point I always got them regularly and strong in the evenings, only to wake up in the morning and have absolutely nothing. Then they’d begin again about noon or one in the afternoon. That day I was having them when I woke up, but again nothing strong or painful. I decided to go to the gym and do some walking because it was raining outside, but I was reeeally wanting to go walking. Kelsey watched Leyton, then we had a short playdate with Jill & Kale, and Logan and I went off to my dr’s appointment. At the dr’s appointment, I was checked and told I was still at 2-3 cm dilated, but the doctor did say, “I would not be surprised to see you in here this weekend. But it’s bad luck not to make next week’s appointment, so we’ll see you again next Thursday, if not sooner”. After the appointment, I was kind of bummed. I had been having such strong contractions and just had a “feeling” things were moving along, only to find out no change. That night we decided to head over to Kbay to eat dinner at my favorite little restaurant, Sam Adams (They have the most fabulous garlic fries that I CRAVE, even not pregnant!!), and go bowling. We were also going to go do some last-minute birthday shopping for Leyton after we got home and dropped Leyton and Kelsey off. I wanted Leyton’s toys to be a surprise, and also knew if I had them in the house before his birthday, I would give them to him early or he would find them. I don’t think there’s any place to hide things around here where Leyton will not find them, haha. He’s all over the place! Anyway, as we were leaving the house I just decided to start timing the contractions because I realized they had never stopped all day. They still weren’t painful, however I found that they were coming every 4 minutes. By the time we were eating and finishing up at Sam Adams, they were at 2:15 apart. Because they weren’t painful and my water hadn’t broke, we decided to skip bowling but do Leyton’s shopping anyway. I wanted to make sure he had gifts to open, even if it ended up being at the hospital. We got home and I decided to go walk at the gym some more because the contractions were still not strong enough that I felt warranted going in yet. They were still coming every 2 minutes, and we were now on 4 hours I was timing them at regular intervals. I walked at the gym for about an hour and Logan slept during this time. He had stayed up all night the night before working on homework as he’d gotten a little behind in his classes with his busy work schedule and us being so busy sightseeing with Kelsey. He also wanted to get a little ahead for when the baby arrived. We headed into the hospital around 11, they checked me and found I was at around 4-5, and deemed me in labor. My labor, although long, was not difficult. I went until an hour before having Kellan with no pain meds, even after my water was broke at 7 a.m. the next morning, and I didn’t have Kellan until 7:55 p.m that night. At 6:30 p.m., I asked for pain meds. Since about 1 p.m., Kellan’s heart rate was dipping between contractions unless I was laying on my right side. We tried all kinds of different positions because I wanted to be up and moving to fight through the contractions, but the only thing that didn’t cause the decels in Kellan’s heartbeat between contractions was laying in bed on my right side. So, laying in bed for 5 hours, not being able to get into different positions, I finally came to my “exhausted, in pain” point and just gave in and asked for them. I had said from the very beginning that although my birth “plan” was to do things as naturally as possible, I was going to be flexible to avoid setting myself up for disappointment, and if it became stressful, I would ask for them because I didn’t want to look back on my experience welcoming my sweet baby into the world as “stressful”.  The pain meds only lasted about 40 minutes and then didn’t work, and made me sick, sick, sick, (or I suppose it could have been from the intense contractions and the fact I hadn’t eaten anything in almost 24 hours) but I do not regret getting them at all because once I did get them, I progressed almost instantly. In fact, Logan went to get coffee at 7 p.m. because I was still sitting at a 5-6 cm and they said it would probably be a few hours yet. My doctor actually went to dinner. At 7:10, I texted Logan telling him that he should get back VERY soon because I felt the need to push. He rushed in at 7:15 and I felt this insane amount of pressure (I had never felt this before because with Leyton I had an epidural and couldn’t feel it), we got a nurse who confirmed I was ready to push, the doctor was called from her dinner (I had to wait for her to arrive, but because pushing was the only pain relief and I could feel EVERYTHING, they told me to gently push with the contractions) and once she arrived, baby Kellan was in my arms in about 7 minutes. I will not say it wasn’t painful, because it hurt like crazy, but it was also really empowering and awesome experience.. I’m glad the pain relief only worked for 40 minutes, that 40 minutes was enough to allow my body to relax and progress (when you aren’t relaxed, you’re actually working against the contractions, not with them, making them ineffective), allow me a little rest, but also allow me to truly experience what labor feels like. And as much as it hurt, it wasn’t AS BAD, as I thought it would be. And you know, just like they say, the pain was INSTANTLY gone as soon as I seen Kellan. He was placed in my arms immediately, and they didn’t even take him away for his exam. Instead, it was performed while he was on my chest and we were bonding. It was such a remarkable experience. I didn’t realize until later that Kellan had had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck (they got it off him super quick as he was coming out, I didn’t even see it) but that explained exactly why he had been having the decels during contractions, and made me so thankful our nurse was so concerned and careful about the situation. It also explains why Kellan was not engaged and kept turning so late in the pregnancy. (Or could be a result of that). I am thankful for everything that was thrown at us during my pregnancy. I’m thankful for even the scary/worrisome experiences, oddly enough, because it takes experiencing those to make you appreciate the good things, the positive things. If it weren’t for Kellan being breech so late in my pregnancy, I would have never started going to the chiropractor and discovered hypnobirthing from her, which was the breathing/relaxation techniques I used to keep myself pain-free during almost all of my labor. The nurse in the delivery room actually told me I had the most effective, incredible breathing technique she has ever seen. I wouldn’t have decided to try to go as natural as possible, or embraced the pain of labor like I did. And I’m also so very thankful that we decided to let the gender be a surprise. It was so, so, so exciting and I wouldn’t change a thing. A lot of people thought we were crazy waiting and said “I could never do that.” I’m not a patient person.. I’m a planner. But this was so incredibly worth it. We’ve done it both ways now, and I can honestly say in the future, we will go the surprise route again. Two days after coming home from the hospital, I took down all of the girl outfits from the closet. I wasn’t disappointed one bit. I’m so incredibly happy with what God has blessed me with, two beautiful baby boys, and I just think it is extremely selfish to “ask” for things to be a certain way. Sooo many people say “so are you trying for your girl next?” As though I should be disappointed I didn’t get a girl this time around. Well, I can honestly say, NO. When we decide to have another one (in like 3 or 4 years…), we will not be trying for a girl. We will be trying for a healthy baby. That is all! And I happen to love being a mommy of boys. These two melt my heart in a way I have never experienced. I cannot wait to learn how to really play sports so I can help “teach” them (I have no knowledge on football or wrestling or soccer, if either boy chooses those sports), go dirtbiking, “be one with nature” or whatever else boys like doing, haha.

Coming home from the hospital was amazing. Our stay there were awesome, but there’s no place like “home”. We were discharged at 10 p.m. the night after I had Kellan and even though Leyton was in bed already, it was just so nice being home and knowing we’d be there when he woke up in the morning. We went into his room the night we got home and he actually shot straight up out of bed and said “Mommy! Daddy!” and gave us big hugs. We made sure he was at the hospital as much as possible because I missed him so much and I wanted to make him a big part of the whole process. That made it extra special. Leyton is adjusting very well to Kellan’s arrival. He is excited every morning to see Kellan, and when Kellan cries, he says “Aww, what’s the matter” and goes up to him and gives him a kiss. Only twice he’s gotten “bothered” by Kellan crying.. once he told him “Go nigh nigh!” and another time he said “What?!” It was quite comical, and I’d say twice in 3 weeks for him to have gotten a little agitated by this tiny little human who has entered into Leyton’s “realm” is pretty good. Kellan actually gets more hugs and kisses than mommy and daddy from Leyton. He’s very careful, but I do watch him closely at all times and don’t leave them unattended together ever. Leyton has started going to Kellan when he cries and putting his arms around him as though he’s going to pick him up, so I’m very cautious. Leyton isn’t really interested in holding Kellan too much, and we don’t push it because I don’t want him to feel pressured and get frustrated. I know it will take time, and he’s still very young. All in all, the adjustment is going very well. His sleep schedule is great, he’s been sleeping a ton lately which is nice because he wakes up rested, and I also get alone time with all three of my boys at different times during the day, which is important.

I won’t say it’s easy being a mommy of two, though. It’s definitely a whole new world, and a very busy one at that. There’s always something that needs my attention, and I’ve realized that the best tool to use is “time-management and prioritizing”. There are things that NEED to be done, and there are things that can wait. And most things fall into the “can wait” category. Incorporating “me time” into my days is a MUST. Going to the gym, going for a walk, getting a mani/pedi, grocery shopping, crafting, reading, a quick shower all by myself with no little one tugging at the shower curtain.. just any alone time to unwind keeps me from getting totally worn out. Knowing which places are kid-friendly and won’t over-stimulate Leyton and cause a meltdown is helpful too. It’s tough for toddlers sitting still, or being confined to a stroller when they just want to explore. I’m amazed at how easy a newborn is the second time around, though! The tough part is the two together, because when I’m nursing or sitting with Kellan, it seems like Leyton needs something, and when I get time to help Leyton or to sit down and actually eat, Kellan wakes up.. etc. It’s so rewarding though. I am so in love with my babies, and I have never felt more love in my heart. I cannot get enough cuddle time with my boys. Kellan is such a cuddler, and I take every opportunity to just hold him or stare at him. Obviously I try with Leyton but he’s so busy and independent that it doesn’t happen very often. Usually at bedtime when we are reading books together or when he is hurt, that’s when mommy merits some cuddles. Now that I know how fast time really goes, I have definitely done things differently the second time around. I take even more pictures (yes, it’s possible. I filled my camera with 500 pictures in the first 24 hours Kellan was born… I don’t care if that’s redundant. He’s changed so much from them already!), I take time to just hold him instead of being so concerned about him sleeping in his bassinet and not getting used to being held because I really don’t think you can cuddle too much or spoil a newborn (and he does very well sleeping independently in his bassinet at night). I also find myself being much calmer. Yes, there are times that it’s tough to keep calm when Leyton’s into a million things, I have been up a lot the night before with Kellan so I’m already exhausted, and Kellan is having a fussy moment, but I guess I just know “it will pass”, and stay patient. And it always does pass.

Kellan is a great baby. The first two weeks, he slept ALL the time. The night before Kelsey left, he was awake the longest amount of time straight since being born, and that was for an hour, haha. Now he spends maybe 1-2 hours awake, and then sleeps between half hour to 4 hours at a time during the day. At night, he only wakes to be fed, and then goes back down to sleep. Some nights he will go 4 hours at a time, so we only wake once with him, and other times he wakes every 2 hours. But he’s very, very easy. He loves baths already, enjoys the sound of his big brother and will just sit and watch him, and loves being outside. He also likes music. If he’s having a fussy period, I just put pandora on the “twinkle twinkle little star” station or Adele (he has great taste in music, what can I say?!), and wha-la! Instant contentedness. He’s grown a TON! He’s already 8 lbs, so apparently he thought he had some making up to do for being such a little peanut at birth.I love it though because I honestly felt like I was going to break him the first week when he was so stinkin’ tiny. And now he has these chubby cheeks that are just so kissable! Although he does still look so much like his big brother, he also looks like me a little too. He has dark hair, is dark complected (my mom says he resembles my brother John when he was a baby), and his eyes are a darker blue than Leyton’s were at birth. They have the same button nose and daddy’s smile though for sure!

As for me, I feel GREAT. I cannot believe how good I felt just minutes after giving birth. The second time around was even easier than the first. I had muscle soreness for a few days, but aside from that, no issues. I’m back to to 100% and have resumed all of my normal activities I was doing before giving birth, even mild-moderate workouts. Considering I was in the gym the night I went into labor with Kellan, I’m definitely not straining myself at all and it makes me feel great, physically and mentally. I trust my body to let me know if I’m doing too much, and I also trust my doctors/midwife who have stressed that it is absolutely okay to resume normal activity within reason when I felt okay to with a natural birth. I can’t wait to start running. I started up before I got pregnant with Kellan, then stopped because I just didn’t feel comfortable running while pregnant, and I would really like to get back into it. Maybe even train for some runs. Nursing is going great, Kellan actually latched on within 5 minutes of birth, and hasn’t wanted to stop since. It took some time getting him to drink from a bottle so I could leave him with Logan to go run errands, but now he does that just fine as well.

Well, I should go.. I can’t believe the boys gave me so much time to blog! This felt amazing to write again, but I know my time is limited before Kellan wakes up again and Leyton decides to be superman and climb on the counters or table (Yikes), so this is it for now. Thank you SOOO much to all who have wished us well, checked up on us, sent gifts for Leyton & Kellan, etc! You guys made this experience even more amazing for us, and we are so thankful to have so wonderful friends and family in our lives.

Have a great weekend!

Just wanted to update you all as I haven’t blogged in awhile. I, of course, am still pregnant, no baby yet! I should have known a few weeks ago I was committing myself to go a full 40 -weeks (who knows, maybe even overdue) when I started thinking the little one was making the grand appearance early. And yet, I’m totally okay with them coming whenever they please, although I am getting quite anxious to meet them and find out all about our next little addition Last night I said to Logan “I don’t want you to go back to work tomorrow” and he said “Me either. Guess that baby needs to come out soon.” Well, needless to say, they didn’t, and he’s back at work. Oh well! They will come when they are ready, and who knows, maybe the first due date they gave me of October 7th was more accurate. All ultrasounds showed between October 1st-3rd, but we all know how inaccurate due dates really are. Nor do they really matter, it’s really a “due month” as people can go 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after and it be totally normal. At my last appointment Friday I was dilated to a 3 and almost fully effaced, baby is not engaged, but is head down. The contractions have definitely been picking up, so at least it’s good to know that my body is doing its job and the chances of a natural labor at this point are VERY high. I had an ultrasound last Wednesday because there were some concerning things happening, but as it turns out all is 100% well with both me and the baby and unless the concerning issues get worse or persist, there really would be no need for intervention (early induction). Baby was measuring spot on , and they’re predicting a 7-8 lb baby.

I’ve continued to be very active, and to be honest feel about as far from labor as I can possibly get, aside from the contractions and growing belly. I remember feeling the same way during my last pregnancy though, and thinking, “I’m never going to have this baby, I would know if labor was coming soon.” No, you really  don’t. It can happen any time! I’m just trying to keep busy (which has been quite easy lately) and focus my energy/mind on other things and letting my body do its thing. With a little help from walking and my yoga ball, of course =). It’s funny how in the last few days the comments I’ve gotten on my belly have gone from “Wow, I never would have guessed you to be that far along” to “When are you due? Because you have DROPPED!” It’s like people can just look at me and tell that I’m due very soon by the position of my belly.  This weekend I literally heard those comments about 5 times a day on the fact that I would have this baby soon because of how low they are. When we went boating, the attendent who checked us out said “No babies on the sandbar. We’ve had funerals and weddings, but no babies.”. haha. It’s quite funny the comments and stares I get being so far along.. one lady got out of her vehicle next to ours when Kelsey and I were getting smoothies this weekend and goes, “OH MY GOSH, are you REALLY pregnant?” And I laughed and said, ”yes, VERY pregnant!”, and she replied  ”WOW!! It looks like you’re pretending because you aren’t pregnant at all from behind and then BAM!” In one sense, I’m sad that this pregnancy went so quickly just because I do love being pregnant and I adore feeling the kicks and movement in my belly, and just experiencing it all. But, at the same time, I’m REALLY excited to meet the little one, have a newborn snuggled in my arms, have a glass of wine or sushi, start jogging again… and of course get back into my Silvers. All in due time!

Having Kelsey here has been awesome for all of us. Logan and I got to go on a movie date last night, and just having the little alone-time together was amazing. Leyton has had his moments lately where he’s definitely been testing our patience, and the “break” from it was therapeutic for both Logan and I. By the time we got home, we couldn’t wait to pick him up and squeeze him, the temper tantrums completely forgotten. I think that it is so important to have breaks like that, whether it be Logan going for a run by himself, me going to the craft store by myself when Logan’s home to watch Leyton, watching a movie while he sleeps, or going on a date when we have the help. Having kids doesn’t mean throwing your relationship out the window, and in fact it should mean strengthening that relationship even further to benefit your children. I’m so thankful for not only the blessings I’ve had being a mother, but also finding my soul-mate long ago to share those blessings with!

It’s also been nice having the company to go sight-seeing with and keep me busy during the day. As I have said before, it gets my mind off of the impending excitement and the time hasn’t been crawling like I remember it doing during my pregnancy with Leyton at the very end. The days are flying, and we have been having a TON of fun! Hawaii is a place I can’t really explain–you have to experience it to understand– but despite it’s beauty and all of the amazing things it has to offer, it can also be very lonely and stressful. It’s so busy that taking a toddler out by yourself just isn’t do-able a lot of the time, and it’s just very different than the norm most of us are used to. Traffic is horrendous, and most other drivers are horribly rude (no blinkers, cut you off, flip you off, brake check you… etc). So having someone to go out and about with makes an incredible difference on the experience. Even Kelsey has found herself homesick at times, and I think she has taken on a new understanding as to why I have said, “Hawaii is beautiful, but it’s charm is more appreciated when visiting versus living here”. The first night she got to see an 8 inch centipede crawling around, a 5 lb frog, and the 3 inch cockroaches. (All outside, but still…. NASTY!!). And of course being away from family and friends is the toughest part. But, we’ve also become very flexible and adaptive in the last 5 years of experiencing new things, and I know it has been really good for us. It’s also been an incredible blessing to be able to experience this, and for Logan to be PAID to experience this, so trust me, I’m not complaining. I’m just trying to explain how it is to live here for 3 years. It’s just different, that’s all, but different is good. It makes things exciting and doesn’t allow you to get bored, I suppose!

Well I better run and get a jump start on some things this morning before it slips away on me! Just wanted to give you all an update and let you know all is well, I’m still pregnant, and you WILL know when I have the baby. I have to laugh when I wake up in the mornings or have a day where I’m not on facebook much or answering texts because I’m busy and suddenly I have people asking if I’ve had the baby. Trust me… you will all know. We’re very excited to share the news and experience with all of you, just as we were with Leyton.

Speaking of Leyton, it’s little mister’s 2nd birthday on Friday! I’ve gone from being in total denial that he’s turning 2 and being emotional about it, to being very excited. I cannot wait to give him his gifts and celebrate with him!

Have a good week everyone!

What a difference a day can make. The sun came up yesterday morning, and it brought a whole new day. I woke to a message from a friend telling me she had been thinking about me, and she just really felt compelled to tell me that God wants me to know everything will be okay & that He loves me. It’s amazing how something so little can suddenly just make you feel so at ease. Yesterday was a really good day. Last night, we met with a family who was very interested in Orion. They played with Orion, watched his behavior with Leyton, and we told them everything there was to know about him, good and bad. They fell in love, just as we knew they would. It is so incredibly hard NOT to with Orion. He is such a sweetheart, and I’m sure the way he doted on Leyton and they ran around together, best buddies, was enough for them to know they wanted him if we couldn’t have him anymore. They have two children, 7 & 9, who were also absolutely in love with Orion. I knew before the meeting there was a possibility that they may decide to take Orion home last night. She had already asked if we were prepared for this, and as I said, I just knew they would fall in love with him, no question about it. Mere minutes before meeting them, I had a mini-meltdown and asked Logan, “Is this the right thing to do? Please, tell me… because there’s no turning back now. Should we tell them we want to keep him?”.  Logan said, “Yes Kayla. As hard as it is, this is absolutely the right thing to do, for our family and also for Orion.”

They say everything happens for a reason. The family decided that without a doubt, they wanted to adopt him. The hardest part, I knew, would be saying goodbye, but something happened at the time we were about to say goodbye to him. Leyton got stung by a bee on his neck. Logan happens to be severely allergic to bees and will swell right up, like… HUGE. This was Leyton’s first time ever getting stung by a bee, so we ended up taking him in right away. I kept thinking, “Oh my gosh, what if he stops breathing?!” Maybe an over-reaction, but because Logan is so allergic, and Leyton so little, and the sting being on his neck, with Leyton totally freaking out, it made me really concerned. Turns out, Leyton is NOT allergic. Thank goodness. By the time we got to the ER, the swelling/redness had already gone down and all he needed was an antihistamine to help with the local reaction. With all of the madness, we hadn’t had a chance to dwell on Orion going to his new home because we had to react so quickly… ironic? Again, everything happens for a reason.

I have found the peace that I was looking for in our decision. I have never felt more “right” about anything in my life. They are a perfect family for him. Orion is now in his new home with his new family, who I can already tell will love him and give him the time and energy he deserves. They have owned big dogs in the past, rotties and pitbulls, both of those that tend to have the stubborn, energetic personalities, but also tend to be extremely faithful and good with children (if raised right, as with any dog). So I knew having that experience would allow them to have a much smoother transition with Orion than someone like us, who had never had big, stubborn dogs prior. I cannot tell you how “right” the whole situation feels now, and just as my friend said, everything is okay despite all of my worrying and despair over it all. It still makes me emotional, and I miss him. A lot. It also makes me sad because his new owners said they think he’s a little sad and missing Leyton. But knowing that he’s in a home where he is going to get all of the love and attention in the world, and also around kids that are the perfect age to tire him out everyday and take him for walks, and just devote to him.. well, it gives me peace. They also agreed to keep us up-to-date and send pictures on how he’s doing, which will be wonderful. & that we can visit any time. =) A friend commented on my last post and gave me a whole new perspective on it all, a very good one. Maybe we were meant to be Orion’s stepping stone to his forever family. Maybe this is exactly how things were supposed to work out.

Another thing that makes me relieved that all of this happened so smoothly is that I don’t feel that this baby is very far off from arriving, and once that little one arrives, the last thing on our mind will be any other responsibilities besides just being the best parents we can and helping Leyton adapt to the new changes. Just like last weekend, I’m once again having labor signs, pretty significant ones, so in the least, I know my body is starting to at least prepare for labor. Yes, it could be 3 weeks away still, but if I had to bet money on it I’d say no more than two. The contractions are picking up and changing from being just uncomfortable to actually becoming slightly painful at times, and more-so in my back. Last night I was awake a good portion of the night because they were painful and I couldn’t sleep. Then they just went away this morning and turned back into the annoying Braxton Hicks ones. It’s exciting, because as of Monday, I’m 37 weeks, and that is when baby will no longer be considered “premature”.  Oh and baby has been head down since my appointment Tuesday. The ”C” word isn’t even in my vocabulary anymore (Okay, yes I know it can still happen but the chances are much lower now). I can say we are now totally prepared in every way for the little one to make his or her arrival, and definitely getting anxious, but trying to keep our minds focused on relaxing as a family of three right now. We’ve been walking everyday, morning and night, trying to keep this baby head down and get them engaged. I really feel this may have affected the fact that this baby wasn’t head down yet for so long. With Leyton, we walked 3 miles every night starting at around 20 weeks. Leyton flipped and dropped very early. We started walking religiously again a week ago, and since then my body has definitely been letting me know that it’s helping move things along. In fact, I could have fit into the “false labor” category about 3 or 4 different evenings during the past week. I am bound and determined not to go in again until I *know* it’s labor though. Now that baby’s head down, I can labor at home and make sure it’s the real deal before heading in to the birth center. With Leyton, my labor in the hospital was only really 3 or 4 hours or so because I hung out at home and dealt with the contractions so long. And it made things go SO much smoother not having to sit there in a hospital bed just WAITING. I hate waiting, and I hate sitting, haha.

Well, I should run– we are going for a walk this evening to Babies R Us to get some ideas for birthday gifts for Leyton. It’s creeping up on us VERY fast, and as I said, I don’t think the little one is going to wait until after his birthday to come (I’m due 3 days after his birthday). Have a good weekend everyone!

I’m kind of a void-filler, too. I compensate for things that go wrong with new things.. for example, have a bad day, go shopping. In this case, we had just dealt with a pregnancy loss right after Logan returned from deployment, and I never in a million years imagined us to get pregnant again so soon. We actually weren’t even trying when I got pregnant with this little blessing. So it seemed totally the right time to get a dog.

Unfortunately, Orion’s old owners lied to us about a lot of things. He was a TON of work in the beginning. We could not take him for a walk because he pulled and pulled and pulled until his eyes were bloodshot and watering, and Logan’s arm was about to fall off (I couldn’t even hold onto his leash–the gentle leader does work but took a LOT of time to get him used to it so he wasn’t fighting it every step of the way). He barked if you put him outside, he barked if you put him in a kennel, therefore I never had any space from him. Not to mop the floors, to sweep (he SHEDS like CRAZY!!!) because he had horrible separation anxiety. And even though he didn’t jump on us, or Leyton, he jumped on anyone that came to our house and followed them around all excited. If he got off his leash, he was gone. We couldn’t call him back to us, and the only thing that would work is if someone else had their dog they could call back (he’d follow them back) or if we got out the water hose or a water bottle and gave him food or water. He barked when on our walks at cats or other dogs, making it very stressful to take him out and about. He needed to be walked or ran everyday, or he’d go crazy with his energy. We worked with Orion a lot. We promised ourselves that we would take on the challenge, even though it was quite significant and stressful, and mold him into the dog we needed him to be. We read books, watched the dog whisperer, researched online, talked to other dog owners, sought advice from trainers, invested a TON of money in accessories for him, and we really did make progress. Despite all of his cons, the pros of Orion are wonderful. Orion loves Leyton, and Leyton loves him. Orion is so gentle with Leyton, and protective. He is a sweet dog, and has NEVER nipped or bit. His biggest fault is just being so big and not realizing it. Unfortunately, being that big, it makes it a lot more difficult to train and control. After a lot of work, Orion did make a significant amount of progress. I found out at the end of January that I was pregnant, and some things also started happening in the neighborhood at that time (the issue with neighbors taunting him or getting him all riled up). Life got kind of stressful. Logan’s work schedule got busy. I started getting morning sickness and just the smell of Orion would make me gag (he didn’t stink, he just smelled like.. dog). So poor Logan had to wash him constantly. I wanted my house clean, but Orion sheds so bad that I had to clean all the time. I was watching a baby at the time, and Orion would bark if left outside and wake her up. We invested in a citronella collar to stop Orion’s barking. It worked amazingly until he learned that all he had to do was shake his head and if the sensor wasn’t on his throat anymore, it wouldn’t pick up his barking. We got Orion neutered in March or April because we didn’t know what else to do to help the situation. After I returned from my trip to Wisconsin in April, things really started going downhill. He started chewing on Leyton’s toys and anything left on the floor. He would take my throw pillows off the couch and get hair all over them (and the hair is not the type that just brushes right off, it was embedded). I would wake up to this, so my day would literally start bad, and most days stay bad. People told us to kennel him, so we started doing that when we left the house. He got worse. He started acting out when we were home too. Then, amazingly things got better. Logan’s schedule became more regular (and I stopped feeling so sick all of the time)and we had the time to really devote to him and his training again (he had relapsed big time in a lot of ways). Lately, things have gotten really, really busy for our entire family. There’s days where I have errands or dr’s appointments or am just trying to clean the house, and he’s left alone a lot. We started talking about the possibility that he might be better off with a different family, one that can devote more time to him, and also because he has caused so much stress on Logan and I that we are constantly bickering over him. We go on walks, and Logan has to sit and control him the entire time, so we say maybe 3 words to one another. It is so stressful taking him anywhere, but if we don’t, he gets worse. Logan doesn’t want to come home and devote time away from us after already being gone all day, but if he doesn’t, then I end up being the one to deal with it all. It’s hard. Orion needs more energy and attention than we ever thought possible. And I have tried so hard to find every reason as to why we should keep him, and yet constantly am finding reasons NOT to. I thought I would be able to take him on my walks with me, and have before, but the last time he got loose and I couldn’t get him. I ended up having to do the water bottle trick, but with a toddler, being pregnant, the last thing I need is to worry about is a dog that gets off his leash because he fights it, and then  not caring about me enough to come back when I call him. He has destroyed all of my landscaping out in our backyard, and two days ago, I was having a phenomenal day, only to come home to him having grabbed all of my crafting supplies off the table and chewing them into shreds all over the living room. Glue sticks, beads, a glue gun. Oh and a box of fig newtons.

Another thing we have to think about is the new baby coming soon, guests staying with us, and then in January, our move. When we move, we are probably going to be living in a hotel for a few months at least. We will also be popping between Wisconsin and NC around the holidays, and I might go back a few weeks early before Logan does. So where does that leave Orion. And his plane ticket.. well, its’ going to cost us at least a grand. So, on top of already stressful things, we have to think about the fact that just moving with him is going to make things VERY difficult.

WIth all of that being said, it seems like a no-brainer, right? Well, it goes beyond that. Orion may have caused us a lot of stress over the past year, but he’s also a dog who has been from one home to the next, pawned off constantly with no stability. And yet, despite that, he’s still such a well-tempered dog, who is amazing with our son. Leyton and him have such a good relationship, and Leyton truly loves that dog. He will randomly go up to Orion and give him hugs (he doesn’t even do that to us usually!) and when we’re on walks, he sits and talks to Orion the whole time. I not only feel like a HORRIBLE parent for thinking about getting rid of him, I also feel like a complete failure. Being a mom came so naturally.. loving and caring for this little human being certainly isn’t easy and yeah, he destroys things in my house, like my crafts, and yet I can’t imagine life without him. I love being a mom, and I would have 3 more right now if that were an option. I love it. And here we are, a year later, after promising to be Orion’s forever home, thinking about finding him a new home. I always thought that when decisions were meant to be and right, you would feel peace in your heart, and despite everything, and asking God for signs that this is the right decision, I still feel HORRIBLE about it. Absolutely horrible. I have cried so many times in the last few days about it, but yet deep down, I know that putting our family through the stress we’ve encountered lately, and Leyton witnessing me being so stressed out or Logan being stressed out about Orion, is NOT a good thing. And Orion needs a family that has the time to take him out with them on activities, or to dog parks, or just the time to give him the attention. For a while, we weren’t even going on evening walks as a family anymore because of Orion, and because they were so stressful. Logan would take Orion for a run, and I would exercise at home. But we LOVE our walks. We love talking about our day in the cool Hawaii evening air, and well, walking is definitely helping this baby stay head down and my body prepare for labor. So unfortunately, we’ve ended up having to leave him at home on some of our walks because it’s just easier, and the last thing we’ve needed lately is *more* stress. I don’t even know what to think, or what to do. Logan and I both agree that finding him a new home is the best option for not just our family, but for Orion as well. But we both feel so horrible about it. We want a pet, but the reality is Orion is too much for us. Maybe we aren’t dog people and are just trying too hard to be, because we do love dogs, but just aren’t good dog OWNERS. Or maybe our kid(s) are just too little, our lives too crazy right now, for us to have jumped into such a big time-investment.

So I listed Orion for adoption. And I cried myself to sleep last night because of it. Because I feel so incredibly terrible, but I know it’s the RIGHT thing to do. But I just wish there was an alternative, and belive you me, we have TRIED finding other options. We have tried so incredibly hard. So please, don’t think that we are just jumping to this decision on a whim. Because I can assure you, we have thought long, and hard, and debated, and cried, and stressed about it for quite some time. I have all of these families interested in him, families that seem incredibly awesome, and I’m having such a hard time setting up times for them to come see him because I know that once I do that, it’s really it. And Logan’s being so supportive, he’s helping in any way he can, but as I’ve mentioned before, his hours are long at times, and he has a million things on his plate even when he’s at home (he just started another class–the timing sucks but the government can’t get their budget straight and he was told if he doesn’t take it now, he may not have funding for his last class of his degree.) But he also can’t fix this either, he’s having just as tough of a time as I am with this decision because he has even more of a bond with Orion than I do, and yet he knows that the way things are right now isn’t healthy for our family, or for Orion.

The hard part is that I wish someone could just “tell me what to do” but no one can. I keep asking my mom, my friends what to do, and no one really knows a “good” answer. Because there’s no easy solution. And, no one but us can do what’s best for us. I had people tell me to just wait it out. I had people tell me to get rid of him. I had people tell me, Jee, I don’t know what I’d do in your situation. All of that is good advice. And yet, at the same time, no matter what anyone says, it won’t change a thing. We are now 3.5 weeks from baby’s due date, and we are still in the same situation. We are just a few months from the move, and we could end up investing a couple grand just moving him and boarding him, only to rehome him later.

So I guess I’m not really looking for advice on this, because as I have said before, no one can tell us what to do in this situation. I guess I’m just letting you all know that the next week or so is probably going to be a very, very tough one for our family, so please understand if we are down in the dumps, moody, stressed, or just entirely anti-social. :/

We had an interesting Labor Day weekend. Logan came home from work on Saturday and let me know that he would not have to work the following 2 days. By some miracle and wonderful volunteering from other employees, he was finally able to get a couple of days off with us, and over a holiday no less!, and I was ECSTATIC! Sunday morning I woke up feeling weird.. 7:00 a.m. both boys were still sleeping and I awoke with the urge to sanitize paci’s, haha. Odd, I know. The boys finally got up and we decided to go do a little shopping. Deals, deals, deals! We scored big time. We rode the trolley around, walked around the mall, had lunch, then all came home and crashed big time. A few things happened that day that were kind of odd, and had me wondering if labor was near. I won’t go into details because some of them are just TMI, haha, but let’s just say I don’t quite fit into a cookie cutter pregnancy description. All of the things they tell you to look for to know if you are in labor, I never got with my pregnancy with Leyton. My water didn’t break, my labor contractions never got regular.. I was dilated to a 5-6 and still having contractions that I questioned were even labor because they were totally bearable (you always hear how UNBEARABLY painful labor contractions are and you’ll know if you can’t talk or stand through them. I could.) I didn’t bleed.. I actually called L&D twice while in labor with Leyton and was told by triage, DO NOT come in until my water has broken, contractions are regular, or I’m bleeding. I finally made the decision to go in myself against their advice, and thank goodness I did. A couple of things happened in the days leading up to having Leyton, so I (naively) assumed this pregnancy would be the same and I would just have to look for those signs instead. Well, I got those signs on Sunday. I texted my mom, told her to keep her phone on her because I felt weird, and had the urge to clean the entire house and pack the hospital bag (or make the final touches on it anyway) after our naps Sunday afternoon. We went on a walk that night, got back, and I had spotting and contractions. With baby being breech still, I was told if I get these things I need to get my butt to the hospital if these start. My wonderful neighbor came over to our house and stayed with Leyton who was asleep, and off we headed to L&D (by this time it was midnight and labor day–how ironic! haha) ,They hooked me up to the contraction monitor and my contractions were at about 2-3 minutes apart and actually getting closer. I did not feel like they were labor contractions, but because I had that spotting, I feared I was in the process of going into early labor. I told the nurse that these were actually quite normal for me, and she just looked at me, jaw open and said “THESE are what you call Braxton hicks? No way…” They checked me to find that I was dilated to a 1, and that baby was back to laying sideways (last appointment they were completely breech with head up, butt down). This was actually reassuring to us because at my last appointment the doctor had said the way baby was laying was one that can be very difficult to get out of and if I started to go into labor it could be dangerous with the butt being the presenting part if the umbilical cord were to start to come out between the legs. They decided to give me a shot of terbutaline to stop/slow down my contractions because I was not yet 36 weeks, and Castle will not deliver anyone before 36 weeks.  Castle’s birth center does not have a level 2 NICU on site, so in the event a mom is earlier than 36 weeks, they don’t want to risk mom and baby being separated if baby needs to be transferred and needs assistance. They at least wanted to stop labor if it were happening long enough to get me to the other hospital. After getting the terbutaline, baby’s heart rate got pretty erratic. I was told my heart rate might race from it, but it was scary to see my baby’s heart rate, that was normally around 140, in the 190′s for an hour or two. The contractions did slow down and become very mild. They came in with another shot (they wanted to give me three doses) and Logan and I discussed our concerns about the medication. We decided to have the nurses check me again to see if I had progressed anymore during my time there, and if not, we would decline the shot and just go home. I’m big on weighing the risks versus benefits, and absolutely HATE taking any kind of medication while pregnant, especially ones that are controversial and the risks may be unknown at this time. Plus, I knew the contractions would just come back as soon as the meds wore off, so it seemed crazy to get baby’s heart rate so high just to stave of contractions that would be back again. I didn’t feel like I was in labor, and if baby hadn’t been breech I wouldn’t have even gone into the hospital in the first place. I would have just waited to see if labor happened on its own and for the real deal contractions. But, because I was informed with a breech baby, it’s very risky to go into labor and they like to catch you before your water breaks, we played it safe. Anyway… I was allowed to go home, declined the second and third terbutaline shots that were recommended,  and was told to take it easy yesterday so that I could at least make it to my appointment today to discuss options and see my doctor. Ideally, if baby were still breech, and we did find that I were starting to go into early labor, we would want to try to turning technique before the last-resort c-section took place.

Aside from spending the night in L&D and getting very little sleep, yesterday was a low-key day for us. We got a bunch of stuff done around the house, snuck in lots of family time, and just hung out. The terbutaline must have still been in my system because I did not have a whole lot of contraction activity until last night when it became normal again. This morning, we went into my appointment and seen my midwife this time (last appointment was one of the doctors). I can only describe the appointment as totally relieving. I was such a bundle of nerves wondering what we would find out and what would be suggested. I knew there was a possibility if I had progressed more in the last day, they would consider an early c-section. I also knew this was not something I wanted because 1. baby needs to stay in as long as possible, and 2. baby needs the chance to turn on their own and not be taken out early.  I told myself going in that baby was definitely still breech, because every appointment I walked out totally disappointed thinking I would find out baby had finally turned, only to hear they hadn’t. My midwife was WONDERFUL. She talked to us about every single one of our concerns before even examining me, and listened to all of our questions, and was just so reassuring. Being a midwife, she is trained to take a more natural, minimal-intervention approach (which is exactly WHY we chose a facility with midwives on staff) and her take on the whole situation was one completely different than that of the other doctors. I told her that we wanted to do everything in our power to avoid a c-section, but also that baby’s health was absolutely the number one priority. She was right on track with this. She told me that if it came down to it, although not ideal, they could possibly induce me if baby did get head down at some point between 38 and 40 weeks to avoid baby turning back and a c-section if I so elected. (We probably won’t because we also want to avoid induction and feel that if baby gets head down, they will stay that way, but it’s at least an option). She explained the version turning technique, and that with this being my second baby and the baby having plenty of room still, that we could definitely try this also to avoid the c-section and it is known to be quite successful. On examination, she gave us even BETTER news. She said that although baby was not engaged, she was pretty sure baby was head down. She also informed me I was still sitting at 1, so I had not progressed further. After a quick ultrasound, she confirmed baby was indeed head down. Baby can and most likely will continue to turn until the point that they engage in my pelvis. But the good part, the most important part, is that baby still has plenty of room to turn and that is probably why they’re continuing to do so and haven’t settled into the pelvis head down yet. With it being my second baby, I just have a lot more room, everything’s a little bit stretched out, and this baby might also be small. So instead of all of the turning techniques that have been suggested to me like standing on my head, we now just need to work on getting baby engaged into the pelvis. I will be spending a lot of time walking/hanging out on my yoga ball in the next few weeks, and hopefully the next appointment will bring even better news, that baby is finally engaged. Even so, I feel so much more confident that I will get the labor I want while keeping baby healthy. It seemed like such a long shot after last appointment, and yeah, I was totally concerned. But, I had also wrapped my mind around the fact that whatever is meant to happen will happen, and I still feel that way. I also feel that my body will wait until baby’s ready and healthy, and everything is as it should be to go into labor. And I will embrace whenever that time is.. whether it be a few days or the full 4 weeks. I trust my body, which is another reason why I didn’t let the doctors talk me into getting 2 more of the terbutaline shots the other night to stop contractions. It felt very empowering to take control over my own health and my baby’s health, and say, “While I respect your opinion, I have to decline”. So many people think that what doctors say is just how it is. They speak, you listen. But, they are human too, and most doctors make decisions based on facts, and typical circumstances. Just like the triage nurse who told me not to come in when I was in full-blown active labor with Leyton, because I didn’t fall into the “typical pregnancy scenario”. Thank goodness I did go in, I had him just a few hours later at the hospital! But every person’s body is completely different. What’s best for one person is most certainly not best for another. If I had been earlier in my pregnancy, or just at a point where it would be VERY dangerous to go into labor, I would have definitely taken the two extra doses of the shot. The risks of having baby at that point are serious. But at 36 weeks (or just shy of it), the likelihood of baby being 100% healthy are very good. And the risks to the baby from the shot were obviously there with what it did to the heart rate. Plus, I knew I wasn’t in active labor. I was just making sure I wasn’t about to be in labor (with second time mom’s it’s known to go much quicker), and if so, making sure we had enough time to do what was necessary to make sure baby, and me, were okay and taken care of since baby was breech.

So, we’re not totally in the clear until baby gets themselves “stuck” in the right position, but the outlook is much much better at this point. I worried, God provided like He ALWAYS does, and all is well. I’m very happy, and just feel so much more at ease right now. Time to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy to the fullest. It’s funny, on the way to the hospital the other night I said to Logan, “Do you think this is it?” And I started thinking about how I totally wasn’t ready to have the baby just yet. We are SO excited to meet him or her, but I still have more to do! We started laughing realizing we don’t even have set spelling for the names yet, or a concrete middle name for a boy! It was good practice though I guess. I cannot believe we ended up at L&D before having the baby this pregnancy.. I thought for sure this time around would be different and I would just know when I was in labor, and until that point wouldn’t think twice about it. I absolutely do not want to be the paranoid mom who goes to the hospital with every little contraction, but at the same time, I had my “signs”, the signs I thought were “sure-tell” signs. Oh well, at least it was good practice for the real deal! You live and you learn. I think baby’s just giving me a little more time to make them some cute little crochet creations

Just wanted to give you all an update and say that ALL IS WELL. =) Hope everyone has a good week and enjoyed their holiday weekend!

-K

I’m pretty grumpy/emotional today. Please take that into consideration as you read this and see that my usual optimistic, upbeat attitude is clearly not there today. You get the good with the bad. I’m not perfect, and I do have my crotchety, grumpy days. And I think lately, the grumpy days have been so few and far between despite a lot going on, so.. don’t judge. K?  Sometimes the hormones just hit you (yes, I’m playing the hormone card), and with this pregnancy they seem to sneak up on me at the most random times. Most times I’m actually quite energetic, and I only notice the hormones in the form of being a super clean freak which is not typically how I am. And other times, I notice them in the form of being super irritable, or days like today, super emotional. All it took today was Logan telling me he would have to work the whole day again instead of his scheduled half day, and that he’d have to take a rain check on our family beach day we had planned (our only day this weekend to spend at least a little time together)  for me to fall apart. I’m beginning to think it’s going to take having this baby to get some darn family time with my husband! I just miss him.. I had so looked forward to our family time before company and the new baby arrive and we had so many things planned, but.. stuff came up. Life happened. And I’m trying to go with the flow, be understanding and supportive of his busy schedule, & do my own thing. I really am. And I’m thankful for the few moments we have had together lately. But, it’s also been exhausting taking care of everything, including the little guy, the dog, the cleaning, cooking, etc, at home by myself without a mommy break at all, and being extremely pregnant. It will be nice once he has a day or two off, then we’ll be back into our routine and I’ll be back to my super-woman self (totally kidding.) After my teary moment this morning, though,  I realized as much as it stinks for me, it stinks for him too, and there’s nothing we can do about it, so I sucked it up and tried to make the best of the day. Then, I had yet another meltdown when I started thinking, really thinking (I’ve had too much time on my hands lately to THINK–maybe I should have kept working!), about something we’ve been struggling to find a sensible solution to for a long time, and yet there’s no easy answer to. It’s emotional, and our hearts and our heads are telling us two completely different things, and I cry every time I even think about it because no matter what the decision, it’s going to be tough. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about it, because it doesn’t just affect Logan or I, it affects Leyton too. It’s been an emotional-rollercoaster kind of day for me. My little ray of sunshine pulled me out of it though.. just spending quality time with Leyton always makes me realize how truly lucky I really am. Overall, we’ve had a nice, active day and the time has gone by pretty quickly.We played outside, went on a 2 mile walk before it got HOT, visited Logan the store and went to the park, and I crocheted as well and I’m feeling much better. Blogging is a nice touch to end off my day. And Logan will be home in a few hours, so the end of this crummy day is in sight!

I’m missing normalcy. I am CRAVING normalcy. I’m soooo tired of the drama in the military community. 99% of the people on my photography page are military (God bless our military–don’t get me wrong);  it is INSANE the things I have to read whenever I log into my page. Granted a good percentage of those people are awesome, especially the ones I’ve had the pleasure of working with, and are just optimistic, positive people despite the difficult situations military families can be faced with. But some of them.. whew. It makes me not even want to log into it anymore. It makes my head hurt just to see people treating one another that way. What happened to not saying anything at all if you have nothing nice to say? What happened to keeping your personal lives and your crazy baggage PERSONAL? I joined a craigslist type group for military families. I figured it’d be a good place to look for gently used items for the baby and for our house. Well, lo and behold, there’s even drama on THERE. And I’m getting all of these notifications from the group about fighting, silly, childish things, and I’m totally blown away. What is wrong with people? How in the heck do people have enough time and energy for this type of stuff? Well, needless to say, I don’t need to find gently used baby or household stuff THAT bad. Haha. Not worth it! It does make me so thankful for the awesome families and people we have met along this military journey though. I like to think of those people as family–you become so close being far away from your own family. I guess I just need to keep remembering that without the unpleasant things & people in life, you don’t appreciate the good things quite as much.  God has a plan for each and every one of us, and people are put into our lives for a reason. I will survive.  Sometimes it’s just hard not questioning that plan, especially when you’re the type of person who likes to skip to the last page in the book to make sure it will all turn out okay. =)

My last vent of the day… Struggling with trying to be an individual in a not-so-unique world. I feel like every time I try to be, do, or say something unique, or creative or just different,  I see it replicated. Whatever happened to originality? Please enlighten me as to how I can overcome this frustrated feeling. I am sure it’s an internal thing, because I can’t control what others do. I can only control the way I feel about it. I try to feel flattered, but in the end I just feel annoyed. I guess that’s where I try to be different.. If I ever do something that is inspired by someone else, I do it differently, make it my own. This might sound like something so silly to be bothered by, but when you devote so much time to being “yourself” and unique, and its that important to you, it’s just unsettling. But, again, I can’t control other people’s actions. So I guess the best thing I can do is to just keep trucking trying to be as original as I can and learn to just be proud of that, and forget about all the rest.

Well, I need to go back to working on my blanket.. I am so close to being done I can TASTE it! haha. I cannot wait to share a photo once it’s completed. Then I can start on the boy version. Blues and lime greens. It’s going to be so darn cute! All of my friends with girls better be prepared for all of the goodies they’re going to receive if we have a boy!! I’m not letting them go to waste! Oh, speaking of babies.. before I forget–we’ve moved a ton and changed numbers a lot through the last couple of years, and also phones. With that, we’ve lost a lot of numbers along the way. If you’re one of the people wanting to get a call or text when we have the baby before we make the “official facebook announcement” (because it’s not official ’til it’s on facebook-LOL), please don’t forget to send me your number either to my phone if you have the number or inbox it to me. Thanks mucho! Better run… hope you are all having a wonderful extended weekend and enjoying every moment you can with your families and friends!

-K

*Edit: I figured out why I had such an emotional day today.. As I was jamming out to some pandora working on my blanket, I remembered a dream I had last night. Pregnancy dreams are known to be quite realistic and not always dreams (sometimes nightmares). I’ve had some really crazy and scary ones during both pregnancies, some normal ones that come true, and then some that are just sad. Last night’s was a really sad one that touched home and a constant worry I have as a military wife.. I guess I couldn’t shake the feeling. Anywho.. just thought I’d add that there was in fact a reason, beyond hormones, for my mood today.

With September also comes Leyton’s 2nd birthday on the 30th. It’s bittersweet because I seriously feel like his first birthday was just yesterday and I cannot believe a year flew by so incredibly quickly.. but it’s also super exciting because with everyday and every new age, comes new things to be proud of and new developments. The things Leyton learns on a daily basis continue to amaze us. His brain must be working a mile-a-minute creating new connections and memories. Yesterday, I taught him how to help me with laundry (loading the dryer, putting a fabric sheet in, and closing the door) and he also helped me sweep the floor. He willlingly grabbed the dustpan, held it down on the floor for me to sweep into, then dumped it in the garbage without spilling a bit. He’s such a little helper! His vocabulary also grows by probably 10 words a day. We watch a lot of educational videos together, and I will point things out to him and it takes just one time for him to grasp it. So last night we watched a twinkle, twinkle, little star video with an owl on it, then went to an ABC video. I had pointed out the owl in the twinkle, twinkle, little star video, and once I started playing the ABC video, he goes “I want the owl!” Logan and I just cracked up laughing, and it was also a proud moment for us because he is now expressing what he wants and feels in words. At the park last night he goes “Yay, this is fun!” as he was going down the slide. And he’s so good about using “please” and also starting to say “thank you” more regularly. If he forgets, all it takes is “What do you say, Leyton?” And he’ll say it. He’s becoming much easier to take out to eat, shopping, or just running errands because he comprehends almost everything I tell him and is starting to listen very well. All he needs is snacks, some toys, and sometimes my cell phone to look at pictures of papa & nana’s farm, and he’s good to go! He makes me feel like I’m doing such a good job as a parent, but realistically I think he is just an awesome little boy and makes being a good parent easy. We have our moments together where I feel like naptime is forever away and I might go crazy, but we take those in stride as anything else. I’m so in love with being a mom, and can only imagine what it will be like when I have TWO here to love! I know it won’t be easy, but I also know that being a parent is the best blessing in the world and there’s nothing that could ever change the love I feel as a mom.

So back to Leyton’s birthday. In contrast to last year where I had the whole party planned out months in advance, this year we are less than a month away and I don’t have a single thing bought/picked out. As you all know (My aunts Vicky & Lynn especially-hehe) I am super impatient so it’s probably a good thing we don’t have any gifts bought yet as I would most likely give them to him early, haha. I am being haunted by these birthday party magazines that started coming in the mail about 2 weeks ago and are now coming twice a week! Jeesh! And of course, there is a John Deere birthday party set in there that Leyton gets all excited about everytime. I guess the hardest part is not even having many friends here and no family, so not knowing if we should even do a party and just do something special with him, or what. I know he won’t care either way, so I guess at this age it’s more for us as parents than anything. We also thought about waiting until my mom comes down to do one, but are unsure of when that will be as we don’t know when the baby will make their arrival. So last night Logan says, “Kayla, I think you need to place an order here soon.” I go, “huh? Are we having a party?” And he’s like, “It doesn’t matter, let’s order the stuff anyway. We’ll have a party to ourselves if we have to! But it’s his birthday, and he wants them, so I want us to get them.” Then he says, “Ohh! What if.. we have an internet (skype) birthday party?” My husband is a genius! I am now super excited to plan it. We are going to video conference with the grandparents and whoever else wants to join in, maybe even send out some invites letting people know when to log on and some goodie bags, and then Leyton can open presents, eat his cake, AND have family involved for his birthday. Technology is a WONDERFUL thing, and thanks to my husband for being so creative. This will be a very unique experience, and the next best thing to having his family here for his birthday. (He loves skype… if he hears the Skype window open when the computer starts, he climbs up into the chair and starts asking to talk to papa).

Alright, better run.. the monster is finishing breakfast and we have a full day planned. Have a great day everyone!